…of being alone


Are we destined to be alone? The answer to that would be a big fat no… That is if you’re a normal human being, leading a normal, even boring to some extent, life.

What would my answer be? A solid yes!

The thing is, I always surrounded myself in a safe, warm bubble, a reassurance, that if I got THAT shirt, THAT job, THAT guy, everything would be normal, okay even. Now that I’m approaching 26 and will soon be closer to 30 than 20, I just had to realize it doesn’t work like that and maybe I should just accept the fact that this is it and it will never get better than this. I know, I shouldn’t talk like that, things will get better, I might become an acclaimed screenwriter, get a guy who loves me (and me back) and even become a woman.

But you see the years just go by, I’m getting older, my dreams fade even more to black and I’m not getting any closer to that perfect picture in my head. I’ve been trying, some might say not hard enough, but I really have been trying to get even an inch closer to that picture that only lives in my mind. There are circumstances though that I can’t change or overcome. It’s like I’m in this prison cell with a little window that looks at a park with the sun setting behind it. I can see what my life could be but I can’t break out of this cell even though it’s locked from inside and the key is somewhere in the room, hidden.

For the past few years I’ve been trying to break out of my habits, of my comfort zone. Socialize more, give more guys a chance. I got so used to be being alone that when I’m not, it just gets too much and I want to run back to the blissful abyss. When I’m alone I want to be with someone, when I’m with somone I just want to be alone. The kiss doesn’t feel as good as I want it to be, he isn’t what I want him to be.

Actually nothing is how I want it. It’s like I’m watching the world in grey color. Rarely do I see something truly in color. Even those moments fade eventually.

Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to be normal. What is normal in my mind? Someone who just got every essential thing in life handed to them – for granted. Those who doesn’t have to bear the problem of not being able to be themselves. We all got problems, everyday problems, some bigger, some a little lighter. I’m not talking about those problems, they’re part of everyday human life. What I’m talking about is that it’s hard to bear those and the ones I (we) have. They would require at least two people to carry on this road we call life.

Maybe I get lucky and get someone who would help to carry this baggage through the yellow brick road.


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