…and the bullying

Self

Being a five year old kid and trusting your then “best” friend with a secret that should only be yours is not the best idea. Ever. But that’s exactly what I did and suffered the consequences of it until my high school days ended.

Yes, at age five I told my “friend” that I think I’m a girl and I’m in love with one of the boys from kindergarten. She then told everyone at kindergarten and by the time we made it to elementary school, every kid in every class knew about it. The next eight years were filled with endless bullying and name-calling. All for what? Because kids are naive and can’t keep a secret?

That “friend”, let’s call her B, for one because her name starts with one and because she is a capital bitch. Now don’t get me wrong, I know kids can’t really be blamed for anything they do at a such an early age but she was a snake, is a snake now and will always be one.

After I finished elementary school and started high school at a city nearby, I thought that I would finally be free. Boy I couldn’t be more wrong.
The rumors spread to all the high schools at that city and it went from wrong to hell. We all know teenagers can be a pain in the ass, all those hormones, morning woods and periods but the teenagers in my class were savage. I had no friend, even my head teacher hated my guts. At one point she told me to switch schools because she doesn’t want to see my face because it annoys her. Oh yeah.

I missed most of my classes, especially PE because the locker room were the place of true horrors; instead I went around the city on a bus, all day, for months. My parents didn’t know.

At one point someone from another school spread the rumor that I blew a guy in the toilet. I was still a virgin and only dreamt about cocks and blowjobs but wouldn’t actually follow through with those dreams. Not yet. And certainly not with those guys.
Since I had no friends whatsoever, I got addicted to TV shows (hello Smallville, Buffy, SATC et all) and started to learn English by myself. I was addicted to TV shows, carbs and chocolates. I never been a sports “person” and so it started to show on my weight too.

Come the summer before my senior year I decided to change. I got on a diet, ditched the sweets and started jogging. Oh and I dyed my hair from blonde to brunette and I swear to god I felt so fucking dark. (darker than Dark Willow)

I also got addicted to cigarette and caffeine, oh and dating sites (we didn’t have those handy apps back in 2009).

Change was in the air, I lost a tons of weight and started dressing more fashionable.

Thinking back now I find those clothes ridiculous but back then I felt like Carrie Bradshaw in a new pair of Manolos. I changed because I thought the bullying would stop but it didn’t stop because I changed my style and weight, it changed because I started to feel more and more confident and gave less fucks what others said or thought.

Bullying and caring what others say will never go away, it sticks with you for life, you have to learn to live with it. Just yesterday younger fuckboys insulted me on the street: “You look so hot” said one. “Bro that’s not a girl” corrected the other. “Oh I thought you were a girl” said the first while laughing “Bro that already sucks”. Yeah, it was hurtful in a way and it happened in a crowded street. The thing is if I could cry I probably would have but I was just fuming inside.

I’ve never been the obvious one, many people couldn’t say what the situation is with me, just everyone thought that I’m a little off. Not here, not there and when people can’t put you into an obvious box they will attack you like a wild animal.
You can either start to care less and be more yourself or give into the pressure and fade into the shallow and invisible crowd. I chose the first one. What’s my progress? Am I happier? Let me get back to you in ten years.

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2 thoughts on “…and the bullying

  1. My heart truly goes out to you,poor sweet girl. i am soo sorry for all of the pain you have had to suffer through. If being trans was a choice it would be one thing but all you trying to do, all any of us try to do is to try to get some relief from the pain of having our true gender not match the look of our body.

    Liked by 1 person

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